That moment when you feel at loss, torn between two dear things to your heart. I am torn between what I want and what my parents want. I am so because it is my life am leading not theirs. They had the opportunity to lead the life they wanted, nobody chose for them; nobody forced them; nobody advised them. And as I can see, they did quite good. Why don’t they let me do so. Why always making things harder? Why always leaving me with the same tremendous complex one-wayed choice: them or me. Allah or me.
I was invited to a cultural event. Though am a grown up, I’ve always asked permission to do this or that. as usual I went to ask permission from my father. His answers was: “you stay where you are, settle down a little bit, all you know is going out and having fun, you better mind your studies and training.” And he went out.
His words slapped me; settle down, all I know is going out, mind my studies and training. I who stopped meeting my friends, I who have been away for the whole school year, I who since I started my training know only one direction: home-training, training-home, as a robot. I didn’t complain, because I promised him to keep on going in the training. I who, unlike my sister, after I break the fast, I go upstairs and sleep, instead of going out with my girlfriends, after all that I have to settle down and mind my studies and training.
His behavior gave me the impression that I was a 5 or 6 year old little girl; when asking permission, she got a simple No and that’s all. I am no little girl. If asking permission would be a No, I guess am way old to deserve the No-reason. Why No? a rational reason.
As I said am a grown up, I can easily do whatever I want whenever I want; but I can’t. I just cannot. I want to do things with the blessings of my parents. So no cultural event,, I better settle down, and mind my own studies and training.